date: 6 may 2021
eating & drinking: green tea and fresh strawberries
listening to: vampire weekend
feeling: white boy punching a whole in someone else’s wall
I’m sorry I haven’t updated in like a month. I’m doing ok, just my mind feels almost always either foggy or cluttered.. or both! ew. Anyway, for today’s entry, we have ramblings about uni! :) yay!
So yeah, the amount of anger uni makes me feel is just too much. And I barely have any interaction with it! Except for the essential- like I’ll do (uhm.. try to do) my exams and study but I always avoid everything else that’s not strictly necessary. It’s so crazy how in my every day life I’d consider myself a normal, relaxed and reasonable person, while my student self is so detached from my true personality and mentality. Again, I try to be a student as less as possible (aka why I’m miserably failing at life, we kind of need to make uni our priority lmao) because I can’t help but become this bitter, competitive, resentful bitch. Obviously I can try to mask it, but then I just seem insane lmao. I mean, I seem unstable and as if I didn’t know how to socialise, shallow. Today it took me all I had not to be disrespectful to a teacher (and the reason of the problem we had was partly my fault tbh. Not completely! Partly! I swear), no one my age should have these problems. These are kindergarten behavioural problems.
And I also take everything too seriously and too far. It’s just a big mess. I think I’m extremely resentful towards something and someone that I don’t even know if are actually existent or are just projections of my most hidden and worse flaws.
Might delete this, or might write more in depth about it in a few.
date: 2 apr 2021
eating & drinking: lychee mogu mogu
listening to: Escapade by Noir Disco
feeling: teeth grinding
1. I tried vegan salmon sushi. Not bad!
2. scared that the boy I’m talking to is going to ruin my life :-)
3. (not about my crush) Why the fuck do I keep falling in love with unattainable men?
4. I honestly feel like right wing politics are just cults of fear
5. I have some bomb recipes for easter! Very excited about that
6. the magazine that published my last poem had a lovely zoom presentation and I could have asked them to be there and read my poem 2 everyone but I didn’t even join the zoom call. I hate myself so much♡♡
date: 2 mar 2021
eating & drinking: water
listening to: one direction (don't @ me)
feeling: empty bladder
- I’m not sure if what I’m about to say is right, but right now I feel like when your subconscious wants you to talk about something, it just happens? Like, it gets out in one way or another. Two days ago I wrote pages over pages about a problem I have and today in therapy we just ended up talking about it and I didn’t even want to (I mean, I wanted but I didn’t plan to, the conversation just drifted on that topic for the first time ever)
- I’m constantly shocked at how GOOD my friends are. I’m sorry if whoever’s reading this doesn’t have any friends, hopefully I’m not slapping anyone on the face. I truly believe that something I’m very good at is attracting the most lovely people on this planet, not sure why, because I’m not like them. Anyway we’ll soon have a zoom/facetime call to celebrate Claire’s graduation and I have to come up with a cool cocktail idea :)
- Something that’s very soothing to me is the certainty that time doesn’t stop for anyone (duh). So I HAVE to go forward. That’s one of my phobias or whatever, to go forward, but it’s literally the only thing we can do? I can’t possibly do what I want (stay still), and even better, so much better, no one else can. I feel like I’m going to be the target audience of botox in 5 years.. neat
date: 14 feb 2021
eating & drinking: my heart out
listening to: nothing
I hope you'll have a lovely Valentines Day, whether you're in a relationship or not!
As for me, I'm pandhandling a Valentines text from my crush and trying not to fall asleep to a depression nap :-)
- update - we had a long convo ... god help me (ง ื▿ ื)ว♡♡♡♡♡
date: 5 feb 2021
eating & drinking: carrot cake and Innocent smoothie “blue spark” (guava, pineapple, apple, blue spirulina, vitamins)
listening to: Maybe by Ricewine
feeling: Nickelodeon eye rolling
- be (actually) seen
- know how to handle school flashbacks
- get over the “mark/accomplishment = only self worth” thing
- accept being normal and below average
- stop seeking redemption for being “faulty” and stop being horrified at one’s faultiness - the modern Cinderella story is the bullied/weird/quiet child that becomes CEO of her bullies and it’s as farfetched as the original one. Some revenges (like the ones I’ve been dreaming of) are just public pardons
date: 17 jan 2021
eating & drinking: earl grey
listening to: Gabriel Fauré - 3 Nocturnes,
feeling: Swiss prairie on fire (arson)
I need to change my uni course.
It’s already too late, but better late than never I guess.
I’m such a dumb bitch
I'm trapped in a script and I want out of it
date: 4 jan 2021
eating & drinking: latte and a piece of toast with almond butter
listening to: outside of my window
feeling: wah wah
When it comes to guilt, it’s really not about other people. Feeling bad/discomfort or having an unproductive day (or week.. or month) makes me feel so ashamed about my own depression with myself that I shut it down, I don’t acknowledge it and call myself lazy. But I don’t particularly care if other people notice it. I mean I do, but way less. Same thing with my classes, especially Chinese conversation. I’ve always thought I was competing with the two girls that are better than me.. but I’m just competing with my best day. I know this sounds like better than competing with other people (you know when they say “Don’t Compare Your Beginning to Someone Else’s Middle” etc, etc) or even healthy, but it’s not. It doesn’t feel like it, at least. I have to deal with the fact I’m not a robot. I’m so sorry if I sound like I have a god complex.
Anyway, I think I’ll make a page for the books I’ll read in 2021, rating them and maybe commenting them. I’ll add them progressively, so the page will always be kind of under construction.
date: 1 jan 2021
eating & drinking: gingerbread cookies I baked yesterday
listening to: the Vienna New Year's Concert
Happy New Year everyone! Do you make a new year’s resolution list? I do, I really like it. I make some resolutions for every month as they pass by, and a long list of resolutions for the new year. I don’t always go through with them, but they help with my mental clarity. My most important 2021 resolution is to be honest with myself. I wrote it on my 2020 resolutions list as well, and it was honestly one of the best things I’ve forced myself to do. I came to the realisation that I don’t really live authentically, I somehow write a sort of general script in my head (I know this sounds like something you only could do consciously, but.. I don’t really do it intentionally. I think it was the only way of life I knew. Idk) and force it on my reality, without checking if it’s actually a possibility or not, and especially without assessing if I’m able to make it or not. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I’m tired of it. I need to listen to my intuition more, and to acknowledge my abilities and weaknesses, and not base everything on What I Think It Should Be. It’s sad and in general not beneficial at all. I get further and further from my core, my real self.. well, I guess that was the plan.
On a lighter note! I received the Switch and Animal Crossing NH for Christmas, and I’ve been glued to it ever since. I’m visiting Claire's island every evening, and it’s just amazing. Nothing will ever top my beloved Wild World, but New Horizon is just plain delightful. Also, I’m planning to make a page dedicated to the new Aika Village in NH with all of my theories on each room, so stay tuned :-)
date: 15 dec 2020
eating & drinking: Innocent smoothie “mega mango”
listening to: immersing into Hector Gachan's entire discography once again
feeling: anime sky
I love being the last volunteer and closing our shelter. I can see the sun setting from the windows, and recently the sky always becomes a very rich cue of purple. I have to mop the floors with water and bleach and wait until they dry (doesn’t take that long). In the meantime I bring a kitten with me at the front and cuddle, looking at the sunset. It’s perfect every time, and it makes me so happy.
It’s one of the few things that I can still do with covid going around. The thing I miss the most is going to cafes (firstworldproblems). I mean, technically I could go, but may I choke on my croissant if I put in danger a minimum wage worker. Also, I don’t trust anyone around me, lol. I’ve seen people crammed in bars without their masks on, the windows all foggy.. G-R-O-S-S. What the hell were they thinking? It was like looking at a covid greenhouse. No thanks. I bought some caramel syrup so I can try and make my own caramel macchiato at home.. I can already smell failure :-)
date: 10 dec 2020
eating & drinking: water
listening to: you'll know in a sec
I was listening to a Stardew Valley soundtrack playlist on youtube to chill and when it ended it automatically passed onto the next video which somehow was the Nintendogs soundtrack and I had the most violent transcendental experience of my life
date: 7 dec 2020
time: 22:11pm :-)
eating & drinking: nothing, but craving crêpes
listening to: the radio (classical) #2
feeling: broken ping pong ball
Normal people don’t exist and struggles are subjective. The temptation to become my own parody and bash random people that innocently lived all of their lives somewhat stress free is too strong though, so I kind of have to start my entry saying that. I’ve always expected to bloom in a very specific way. A redeeming type of blooming, A-type of blooming, a way to ask sorry to the world for the way I am. Shred all of my identity to become the Ideal, a walking billboard that says “I’ve changed, and I feel amazing!”. But no matter how many layers I tear and throw away, very much unfortunately the same exact ones will grow up, endlessly, lol. I can’t be someone I’m not. I can fake it, maybe even fool everyone, but that’s no different from self harm. Sad.
date: 6 dec 2020
time: about to have luncheon
eating & drinking: plain green tea
listening to: the radio (classical)
Me and my childhood friend, Claudia, decided to see each other every thursday at the park. We became best friends when we were 6 years old. Recently, the more I see her, the more I like myself. She reminds me of how much I loved life before depression got to me (between 11 and 15 years old- I know it’s a long period, but I’m not sure when it started). I’ve spent my whole teenage years trying to erase myself, and I did succeed in cancelling a lot of parts of myself ^_^ amazing, right? Ugh. I thought they were lost forever, but ~self recognition through the other~ is real! And I’m finding back those pieces in the bullshit we laugh about every thursday. Life can be sweet :-)
date: 5 dec 2020
eating & drinking: melon tea (cold.. ugh)
listening to: amour plastique
feeling: chocolate bunny who’s being eaten only because it’s melting
I can’t sleep and I’ve spent the last 3 hours thinking of all the boys I’ve ever had a huge crush on. Isn’t it super creepy I keep dreaming about that man I met in Rome once? How would you feel if a girl dreamt about you 3 nights per week? Creeped out I assume. Anyway. Today I bought a stack of mini packets of chili doritos for 0.45cents each. I was a bit embarrassed when I piled them on the counter, but the cashier didn’t flinch. Also, I’d do anything for my dorito loving body, so it’s whatever.
date: 3 dec 2020
eating & drinking: lemon green tea
listening to: 王菲《給自己的情書》
feeling: don't tell anyone
today I bought a bottle of Johnson’s Baby “bedtime baby bath” shower gel (I love it but it sucks. This is the last time I don’t go to Lush and buy an eco friendly soap), a blue candle and some beer. I had a shower, used the new shower gel, loved it, ate dinner. I tried to make a portrait after dinner, with chalk and pencils, but I got bored. Maybe it’s because I’m not into Kit Harington and I was drawing him.
It’s been raining for the whole day. There are some scents and sounds that are crystallised into my mind and that pop up whenever I encounter the slightest trigger, one of that being today's rain. My city's rainy days smell cold, like rotten leaves and like bus and car smog. Another trigger is the slight headache I get when I wake up too early and too abruptly. Today I experienced both of them at the same time, in front of my open window. It should have been a warming moment, me, groggy with my cup of tea, inside of a cozy bedroom while it rains, and in a way, it was, but it also took me back for the millionth time to the sounds, smells and feelings of when I was in high school. The early morning rain, the overcrowded underground, the loneliness, the fear: when I came home at 2pm I was already exhausted, no energy left to study. It went on for 7 long years, and when it was over I didn’t cheer. For what? My teenage years were gone into that weird, sad black hole and I was left with nothing. I was suddenly in my 20s, with no experiences whatsoever, blurry memories and a prescription to antidepressants and Xanax. I did get angry with myself: couldn’t you have created your own, secret world instead of letting yourself be so ridiculously exposed to any single thing? You should have asked for help. You should have tried to make more friends. You shouldn’t have been so lame in class, what were your classmates supposed to do with that personality? You should have embraced your oddness, made it into something cool. Some classmates liked to describe me as “dead”. In a way, they weren’t completely wrong. Some odd people like me have a spark inside of themselves that saves them, I didn’t. I let everything push me down, and made “being normal” (whatever that means) my only reason of life, for whatever reason. I kept walking straight, and instead of looking inside of myself I kept trying to adapt to the version of “normal” I had in my mind, a Frankenstein of every Most Popular Girl of the Class I’ve ever met. Bad idea.
uh oh, you've reached the end