date: 30 october 2021
eating & drinking: satsuma mandarin
listening to: Anniemal - Annie
feeling: girl (derogatory)
what if my dreams were supposed to be something else? We certainly have to adapt to the world we live in to function, especially if we want to bring something good into our community. Selfish dreams and insignificant dreams. Should I have them? All of my dreams are extremely functional, and after all, why should I have dreams that take me nowhere but to an unsharable, unsellable happiness? A place that’s only mine.......................
date: 15 october 2021
eating & drinking: very old earl gray
listening to: the clock and the occasional train outside of the window
feeling: Windows aquarium screensaver
- I’ve always felt like my romantic love made the recipient dirty. I still do
- I wish I actually knew how to talk about politics instead of just cosplaying it
- a lot of anti vaccine passport protests in my city. Our beloved professor is anti too. I don’t understand them. I’ve tried and I guess I’ll still try, but it’s just so insane. It’s a global pandemic and they’re out there only because we got vaccinated and we are using the vaccine passport. I mean yeah maybe there could have been other ways? But I have the strong feeling it’s just not about that... everything reeks of negationism
- I wanna go to nobu
date: 13 october 2021
eating & drinking: pepsi
listening to: linguistic professor
feeling: crying girl in the class of a manic dance teacher who runs her after school course like it’s the navy
the other day I went to get a mani with my other cousin. Just for the records, I have two cousins, D and Emma (well, three, but the third lives in New Jersey and ignores me). They’re all girls. This time I was with D. I got french tips, she got baby pink :^) ...every single time I’m with D we always end up talking trash of our other cousin, the NJ one. It feels like a guilty pleasure. It’s a long story, but she’s perfect, that’s why she’s in the united states, lol. She’s not naturally perfect— she was able to fully betray herself and her needs in order to gain status. Idk if I’m making sense or if I sound like a populist. I always wanted to sacrifice myself to a sort of capitalistic idol, an ideal, more specifically a high earning PhD. After definitely ruling out I didn’t have the natural talent to achieve such positions by mere hard work, I knew I had to start thinking of sacrifices (sacrifice as self harm. Quote: “I felt like I was trading pieces of myself for hamburgers. Strips of my thigh to bait the hook”), and my way was already paved by her. Our nature can’t be changed (by nature I mean a specific idea I have of the concept of “nature”— apologists of any crappy ideal &Co, stay away from me), but it can be twisted and squeezed, often resulting in painful and awkward contortions. I pity her and rot in envy every time I think of her grotesque little figure perched in a condo with a Statue of Liberty view
date: 10 october 2021
eating & drinking: mineral water
listening to: Sweet Valley Slumber Party - Racing Hearts
feeling: the good cop
- today I went to my cousin’s house. We see each other often but not for a very long
time— usually around 3hrs. Today after the usual hours I went to her house and stayed for lunch and then we stayed together until dinner. I came home at 7.30pm. Time went by so quickly! We talked about a lot of stuff, some serious things too. We went over a lot of old documents and letters of our grandparents, lots of sad stuff regarding concentration camps and religious mysticism. Hm. We also talked about my professor, the one I’m about to have a crush on. The other professor he’s always with is my aunt’s friend, etc etc. Interesting. I wish I was childish enough to hope to be invited to a dinner where they’re all there and to be interesting enough to catch my professor’s attention, like in the fan fictions I used to read when I was younger. Not to sound tragic, but I feel like I have no right to think of him. And also, the more I grow, the less confident I feel about my abilities to say something that will make me stand out. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
- today I also bought the book I mentioned in my last entry, Heaven by Mieko Kawakami. It’s amazing. I’m saving the ending for tomorrow, as I don’t want to have nightmares. It’s pretty crude
date: 7 october 2021
eating & drinking: a multivitamin tab and a plum
listening to: the weeknd
feeling: like, bad
- yesterday my professor said the sentence “the mainstream idea of success and career in capitalism”. I’m trying so, so hard to not develop a crush on him. Sweet baby jesus please keep me free from the burden of unrequited love. I beg you. don’t do this to me
- every single time I meet someone new I feel like I have to justify myself and excuse my existence
- the friction between the ideal world and the real world is the cringiest feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life and I can’t find a way out
- I wanna buy the book “Heaven” by Mieko Kawakami. I found it in a bookshop like 2 weeks ago and didn’t find it particularly interesting but I’ve been thinking about it ever since so I guess it is interesting after all. And also the new book by Peter Cameron. But I also have to study so I guess I’ll leave them for the Christmas holidays or something like that
- also, yesterday.. well it’s a long story, but basically some people had a mini fight in the literature course’s group chat (the course of the professor I like) and I didn’t intervene ofc bc I was like 9pm and I wanted to die, but I texted a girl that was being attacked saying I was hoping she was feeling ok because she didn’t do anything wrong, and we started talking from there. And she told me she really likes me and really wants to meet up bc “I sound like I would be a good friend”, and like, I’m way older than her and I don’t usually find 19-20year olds interesting? I mean bless them, but we’re on two different pages and I’m terrified it’s going to be super awkward. We briefly talked about our ages and we both said it’s not a big deal but tbh it is. I’m an idiot
- I told you about the guy I met at the polls, the one I had a crush on, right? Well something funny I left out is that we started talking about all the people we probably both know (we grew up in the same area and have the same age) and he literally knows all of my middle school bullies hahahah. I kept saying names and he was like “aw he was such a good friend” and I was like 👁👄👁 hahahahahahah I wanna perish
date: 6 october 2021
eating & drinking: matcha chewing gum
listening to: my professor
feeling: the chewed chewing gum I’m chewing right now
POST ELECTIONS ENTRY
it’s been three very intense days. It was my first time working at the polls and I didn’t expect it to be so energy draining. The first day was alright, but the other two were almost uninterrupted work from 7am to 23pm (1st day) and midnight (2nd day) with 5 other strangers in a small classroom. The night between the second and third day I just dreamt their faces. Another interesting thing is that after a while, the voters started to look the same, to the point where when I saw some of them coming towards our poll station I thought they just forgot something, but no, they were new people. The turnout ended up being super low, we saw only around 45% of the people we had in our lists. But my fav (not fav in general, just in these elections) won! Him and his party won every single thing they could win, wow wow wow. Also, I am so incredibly grateful to this random man (either a municipality worker or someone from a political party), during the last 3-4 hours of the last day 3 of the people in my station started getting super confused and frustrated, and this guy realised it and sat next to me so I could keep working! When we were done I honestly wanted to hug him but I didn’t want him to think I was crazy lmao. But like, no one was paying him for that, he literally sat next to me for like 1 hour? 2 hours? helping me out and I didn’t even specifically ask him to. I don’t think I’ll ever forget him :’-)
I’m also seriously considering joining the local club of my favourite party and see if there’s something interesting I can do :)
Last but not least, I had/have a crush on a boy that was working with me at my poll station, and I think he liked me as well? But now we won’t see each other anymore and idk if I should text him. He’s very different from me and very different from all the types of boys I usually like. Idk. Tyts :)
date: 2 october 2021
eating & drinking: soy latte, again
listening to: teen suicide - falling in love
feeling: bullied and neglected small pet of a spoiled 7yo girl who will later be the proof of her early signs of sociopathic tendencies
- wow, it’s already October! I have no clothes. The first week of uni was intense, but in a different way than the “intense” I’m used to. I think I’ll be able to elaborate on this only later
- my professor said this: “after all, merit is the survival of the fittest”, and I was like, oh, right. I’ve always seen merit as something inherently good, but I guess it’s not. Like, especially in random settings like uni or work (by random I mean, there’s tons of people with so many different backgrounds and stories) everyone starts from the same line but with different baggages, and the ones who make it are usually the privileged ones. And obviously I knew this, but again, I never thought of my conception of merit. Hhmmmmmmm
date: 27 september 2021
eating & drinking: soy latte
listening to: teen suicide - grim reaper
feeling: confused worm
- I’m going to be a scrutiniser for the upcoming mayoral elections! I’m very excited. I hope it has a decent pay lol
- today I’m starting uni again, new degree and everything. It feels awful but I can’t waste more time (and money) on my old degree. The only thing that kept me there was a sort of gambling mentality: “I can’t let the years/love/dedication I’ve spent on this go to waste, I’m going to make it soon”, etc. Not gonna happen. Or maybe yes. But I just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I’m tiiirreeedd of pulling the lever. The admission test’s results are indecently public, with your full name, date of birth and everything, which is upsetting but also great for realising I’m not the only older girl in uni: the eldest was born in 1967! And there are a lot of students who were born in the first years of the ‘90s, which makes me feel even better
- yesterday I had lunch with my cousin in one of our favourite restaurants. It was nice :) I had: avocado toast (with chopped mint, lemon juice and chili flakes), caponata (it’s a Sicilian dish) and cherry tomato, pepper and strawberry gazpacho and a glass of iced flower tea. Which is kind of what I always get, lol
- also, it’s autumn, which means seasonal depression but also a lot of amazing things, like roasted pumpkin and chestnuts, stunning orange and red parks, hot teas, etc, etc. I’m determined to make the most out of it and enjoy it as much as I can. I also have to start making my gingerbread biscuits at one point, people are already starting to ask about them! :’-)
date: 31 august 2021
eating & drinking: innocent smoothie (strawberry, cherry, apple, guarana, flax seeds, vitamins)
listening to: just another diamond day by Vashti Bunyan
tomorrow will be September. The air is already crispier, it’s sunny but not hot, such a lovely weather.. yet I still have to learn to enjoy this summer-autumn transition. It brings back too many horrible memories, which is annoying because they’re in the past and nothing can actually bring those times back to reality, but I can’t control it (yet). I’m not eating much. I try to drink at least a smoothie and some juice every single day, and take my vitamins, so I won’t feel completely crappy. These days feel like just big blobs of time. Tomorrow I’ll have dinner with my cousin though :)
Also, speaking of food— the tart came out great! (last diary entry). It was better without the rocket, at least for my taste. And I added black pepper in the cheese, along with fresh thyme.
Anyway, I also miss my parents. Sorry if this diary entry is especially depressing. Maybe I just have to wait for uni to start again and everything will feel less weird. Stardew Valley is helping me a little bit, it’s such a lovely game! I didn’t expect it to be so nice. Guess who I’m gonna marry?! Well, you can’t guess because you don’t know me, but if you did you would have guessed Elliott and would have been right, lol. Ttys!
date: 23 august 2021
eating & drinking: sparkling water with ice
listening to: Kid Francescoli - The Player
feeling: sunset lipgloss
2 days ago I had my second dose of Pfizer. Everything was going super well until yesterday night when I woke up with a super high fever lol. I didn’t
sleep at all, took paracetamol, in the late morning I went cat sitting, came back home, collapsed, woke up again with another high fever, took
paracetamol, collapsed, ate dinner, went to sleep. And today I was completely fine! Whew. Also, tomorrow I’ll try to make a tart. They’re super easy
actually, you just have to buy pre made puff pastry and throw random ingredients on it. I wanna mix soy cream cheese with fresh thyme and caramelised
onions and use it as first layer, then I’ll add roasted cherry tomatoes. And then some rocket when it’s already cooked. I hope it’s good. I’ll let you
know :-) Oh and tomorrow I’ll also have to sort my super old clothes and throw away/donate a lot of things, which makes me sad, but I can’t keep all of
that clutter. One of the oldest things I have is this pistachio shirt I wore when I was 14. Back then I was somehow obsessed with Mischa Barton’s style
and I remember thinking that shirt was very her. Ah, what I’d do to find all of the pics I saved in my “inspo” folder back then.. I should go on a
hunting mission and post all of them here. I can already feel the pea green balenciaga burning in my little eyes ♡
date: 6 august 2021
eating & drinking: extra mint chewing gum
listening to: anti MLM video
feeling: Hermione Granger punching Draco Malfoy, but in a hermioneXdraco fanfiction
I’ll be back at the seaside tomorrow. There, everything is perfect. The air is warm and dense and I can wear a tight dress and make my hair shiny and I feel like I fit in the happy scenario. And my mask covers the acne scars.
There’s this divorced man, he’s bald with a billion freckles on his whole head, and I eat pasta and drink sweet wine every day. It’s pointless, but it makes me feel calmer.
I think the point is that I almost feel in control.
date: 4 july 2021
eating & drinking: oat milk latte
listening to: bisou magique
feeling: wasp bite on eye
just came back from the seaside. I cut my hair really short and looked at a lot of sunsets on my own, and I went to stunning places as always. I’ve known those places for all of my life and sometimes I can’t see how stunning they are anymore. It takes like, a particularly hard hike at midday that makes me sit down exhausted on the dirt path surrounded by jasmine bushes in full bloom on a lazuli sea with aqua patches and I’m like “oh ok, I’m here”.
I’m very avoidant. I’m more scared than curious. If it’s not perfect I don’t want it, and not because I’m a bitch. I wouldn’t care about perfection if it didn’t guarantee safety. My friends are *perfect*. Our relationships are smoother than oil and idyllic and deep, and I think everything is supposed to be like that. It’s not. I mean, nothing is supposed to be like that.
Uhm. So yeah, anyway, I’m making a lot of plans. For uni and for next summer, and for stuff I want to do with Emma. St. Barth, the swimming costumes shop, gave me a huge serotonin kick. I never really liked it, and I don’t even like shopping, but now they have this soft gen Z aesthetic I’d die for. There’s this patchwork shirt… uuuuggghhhh. And the 3 colour bucket hat. And the shop assistants act so manic and it totally matches my mood and I feel like when I finally get to the cash register I have dilated pupils and foam in my mouth (ↀДↀ)✧ oh capitalism I hate you
date: 6 may 2021
eating & drinking: green tea and fresh strawberries
listening to: vampire weekend
feeling: white boy punching a whole in someone else’s wall
I’m sorry I haven’t updated in like a month. I’m doing ok, just my mind feels almost always either foggy or cluttered.. or both! ew. Anyway, for today’s entry, we have ramblings about uni! :) yay!
So yeah, the amount of anger uni makes me feel is just too much. And I barely have any interaction with it! Except for the essential- like I’ll do (uhm.. try to do) my exams and study but I always avoid everything else that’s not strictly necessary. It’s so crazy how in my every day life I’d consider myself a normal, relaxed and reasonable person, while my student self is so detached from my true personality and mentality. Again, I try to be a student as less as possible (aka why I’m miserably failing at life, we kind of need to make uni our priority lmao) because I can’t help but become this bitter, competitive, resentful bitch. Obviously I can try to mask it, but then I just seem insane lmao. I mean, I seem unstable and as if I didn’t know how to socialise, shallow. Today it took me all I had not to be disrespectful to a teacher (and the reason of the problem we had was partly my fault tbh. Not completely! Partly! I swear), no one my age should have these problems. These are kindergarten behavioural problems.
And I also take everything too seriously and too far. It’s just a big mess. I think I’m extremely resentful towards something and someone that I don’t even know if are actually existent or are just projections of my most hidden and worse flaws.
Might delete this, or might write more in depth about it in a few.
date: 2 apr 2021
eating & drinking: lychee mogu mogu
listening to: Escapade by Noir Disco
feeling: teeth grinding
1. I tried vegan salmon sushi. Not bad!
2. scared that the boy I’m talking to is going to ruin my life :-)
3. (not about my crush) Why the fuck do I keep falling in love with unattainable men?
4. I honestly feel like right wing politics are just cults of fear
5. I have some bomb recipes for easter! Very excited about that
6. the magazine that published my last poem had a lovely zoom presentation and I could have asked them to be there and read my poem 2 everyone but I didn’t even join the zoom call. I hate myself so much♡♡
date: 2 mar 2021
eating & drinking: water
listening to: one direction (don't @ me)
feeling: empty bladder
- Soon we'll have a zoom/facetime call to celebrate Claire’s graduation and I have to come up with a cool cocktail idea :)
- Something that’s very soothing to me is the certainty that time doesn’t stop for anyone (duh). So I HAVE to go forward. That’s one of my phobias or whatever, to go forward, but it’s literally the only thing we can do? I can’t possibly do what I want (stay still), and even better, so much better, no one else can. I feel like I’m going to be the target audience of botox in 5 years.. neat
date: 14 feb 2021
eating & drinking: my heart out
listening to: nothing
I hope you'll have a lovely Valentines Day, whether you're in a relationship or not!
As for me, I'm pandhandling a Valentines text from my crush and trying not to fall asleep to a depression nap :-)
- update - we had a long convo ... god help me (ง ื▿ ื)ว♡♡♡♡♡
date: 5 feb 2021
eating & drinking: carrot cake and Innocent smoothie “blue spark” (guava, pineapple, apple, blue spirulina, vitamins)
listening to: Maybe by Ricewine
feeling: Nickelodeon eye rolling
- be (actually) seen
- know how to handle school flashbacks
- get over the “mark/accomplishment = only self worth” thing
- accept being normal and below average
- stop seeking redemption for being “faulty” and stop being horrified at one’s faultiness - the modern Cinderella story is the bullied/weird/quiet child that becomes CEO of her bullies and it’s as farfetched as the original one. Some revenges (like the ones I’ve been dreaming of) are just public pardons
date: 17 jan 2021
eating & drinking: earl grey
listening to: Gabriel Fauré - 3 Nocturnes,
feeling: Swiss prairie on fire (arson)
I need to change my uni course.
It’s already too late, but better late than never I guess.
I’m such a dumb bitch
I'm trapped in a script and I want out of it
date: 4 jan 2021
eating & drinking: latte and a piece of toast with almond butter
listening to: outside of my window
feeling: wah wah
When it comes to guilt, it’s really not about other people. Feeling bad/discomfort or having an unproductive day (or week.. or month) makes me feel so ashamed about my own depression with myself that I shut it down, I don’t acknowledge it and call myself lazy. But I don’t particularly care if other people notice it. I mean I do, but way less. Same thing with my classes, especially Chinese conversation. I’ve always thought I was competing with the two girls that are better than me.. but I’m just competing with my best day. I know this sounds like better than competing with other people (you know when they say “Don’t Compare Your Beginning to Someone Else’s Middle” etc, etc) or even healthy, but it’s not. It doesn’t feel like it, at least. I have to deal with the fact I’m not a robot. I’m so sorry if I sound like I have a god complex.
Anyway, I think I’ll make a page for the books I’ll read in 2021, rating them and maybe commenting them. I’ll add them progressively, so the page will always be kind of under construction.
date: 1 jan 2021
eating & drinking: gingerbread cookies I baked yesterday
listening to: the Vienna New Year's Concert
Happy New Year everyone! Do you make a new year’s resolution list? I do, I really like it. I make some resolutions for every month as they pass by, and a long list of resolutions for the new year. I don’t always go through with them, but they help with my mental clarity. My most important 2021 resolution is to be honest with myself. I wrote it on my 2020 resolutions list as well, and it was honestly one of the best things I’ve forced myself to do. I came to the realisation that I don’t really live authentically, I somehow write a sort of general script in my head (I know this sounds like something you only could do consciously, but.. I don’t really do it intentionally. I think it was the only way of life I knew. Idk) and force it on my reality, without checking if it’s actually a possibility or not, and especially without assessing if I’m able to make it or not. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I’m tired of it. I need to listen to my intuition more, and to acknowledge my abilities and weaknesses, and not base everything on What I Think It Should Be. It’s sad and in general not beneficial at all. I get further and further from my core, my real self.. well, I guess that was the plan.
On a lighter note! I received the Switch and Animal Crossing NH for Christmas, and I’ve been glued to it ever since. I’m visiting Claire's island every evening, and it’s just amazing. Nothing will ever top my beloved Wild World, but New Horizon is just plain delightful. Also, I’m planning to make a page dedicated to the new Aika Village in NH with all of my theories on each room, so stay tuned :-)